High expectations help kids perform better, but unrealistic high expectations can harm their performance. Unrealistic high expectations is the most common reason why kids are scared and fail, whether it is education or real life challenges.
I have stayed in India culture and have some exposure to US and European culture. It is visible that Indian parents are very different from parents in Europe and the US. The moment we find out about our child’s sex, we start to imagine what they would be like. Earlier if he were a boy, he would be an Engineer, if a girl, she should be a doctor. We start imagining what they would be and planning their future, even before those babies open their eyes.
Why Expectations are Good:
Expectations communicate to our children that they and whatever they do are important to us and matters a lot. It gives children a profound sense of belonging. It builds a trust between parents and children, and somewhere their hopes and our hopes are connected. Parents must understand the strength and weakness of their children, listen to their child and accordingly communicate with their child. If a child feels that his opinions are being considered, they will start happily accepting what his parents say.
Our expectations encourage our children’s development. Why do we speak with our babies when we know they can’t speak? We have some expectations that our kids will grow and speak our language. In fact, this exercise helps them learn quickly. Similarly, a kid who has older siblings, tends to learn faster.
Our expectations also help our child forge a path whether it comes to education, career or real-life situations. It lessens the number of overwhelming choices that confront their young minds. For example, if the expectation is that our child will go to college, it can be experienced as our confidence in their abilities, encouraging them to stick with their studies when they are struggling.
Why Expectations are Bad:
Parental expectations are harmful when they are not in harmony with children’s strength and their ability to cope up with responsibilities. When our fantasies about our children do not coincide with their interests, talents, and tendencies, our expectations can have a devastating effect on our children’s development.
Children develop a sense of themselves from how they are experienced by their parents. Parental joy in their children allows children to experience themselves as inspiring joy. When parental expectations are not met and parents feel disappointed, their children internalize a sense of themselves as being a disappointment.
When disappointment is something that can be remedied without having to compromise their own identities, children can feel motivated to try harder. When what is expected is not among their talents, parental disappointment can be devastating. A child with no musical talent who is expected to excel at it will develop a chronic sense of low self esteem.
When the parents’ expectations directly contradict how children experience themselves, children may hide parts of their identity. They assume a false identity in order to appear to conform to their parents’ expectations. This affects their personality development and they are not true to themselves to people around them.
Conclusion:
We need to be mindful of our child’s unique interests, talents, and temperament, situates our children in their rightful place at the center of parental concern and informs the necessary parental expectations. Try to listen to our children, things may go wrong, warn them and sometimes show your disappointment but never shame them, compare them or say something that hurts their ego’s and lowers their self esteem. Do not be shy to take parental guidance from experts (Relatives/friends may be experienced but not necessary experts to guide you)
Very good article.
We need to have a balance between…Parent Expectations and Child Capabilities.